Gottman Method Couples Therapy

You're not destined to fail—you just need the research-backed tools that make relationships last

Maybe you've noticed the warning signs. The contempt in your partner's voice when they talk to you. The eye rolls, the sarcasm, the tone that cuts deeper than the actual words. Or maybe it's the defensiveness—neither of you can take feedback without immediately counterattacking. Perhaps it's the criticism that's become constant, where every conversation feels like an attack on your character rather than a discussion about behavior.

You might recognize the silent treatment, the emotional withdrawal, the way one or both of you shut down and refuse to engage when things get difficult. These aren't just bad habits—they're what relationship researchers call "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," and they predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.

But here's what gives you hope: Dr. John Gottman spent four decades studying what makes marriages succeed and fail, observing thousands of couples in his research lab. He can predict with remarkable accuracy which couples will divorce and which will thrive. More importantly, he discovered exactly what successful couples do differently—and these behaviors can be learned.

Has criticism and contempt replaced kindness in your relationship?

You used to speak to each other with respect, maybe even admiration. Now, criticism has become the default. Instead of complaining about a specific behavior ("I wish you'd help more with dishes"), you attack your partner's character ("You're so lazy and inconsiderate"). Every issue becomes a referendum on who they are as a person rather than what they did or didn't do.

Maybe contempt has entered the picture. You mock your partner, use sarcasm as a weapon, call them names, or roll your eyes when they speak. You might mimic them cruelly, use hostile humor, or communicate disgust through your tone and body language. Contempt says "I'm better than you" and "you're defective." It's the single greatest predictor of divorce, more damaging than any other behavior.

When you're criticized, you respond with defensiveness—righteous indignation, counterattacking, or whining. You can't hear feedback without immediately explaining why it's not your fault or pointing out everything your partner does wrong. Neither of you takes responsibility. Both feel attacked. Both feel like victims.

These patterns corrode your friendship, erode respect, and make every interaction feel like a battle. You've forgotten how to be kind to each other, how to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, or how to approach problems as a team rather than adversaries.

Have you lost your emotional connection and friendship?

You might still live together, share finances, and raise kids, but you've stopped being friends. You don't know what's happening in your partner's inner world anymore—what they're stressed about, excited about, or dreaming about. You don't ask, and they don't share.

The small moments of connection have disappeared. You used to turn toward each other—when one person made a bid for attention, affection, or conversation, the other responded with interest and engagement. Now you turn away, absorbed in your phone, dismissing their attempts to connect, or actively turning against them with irritation or hostility.

You've stopped doing things together that aren't logistical. No date nights, no shared interests, no fun. The ratio of positive to negative interactions has plummeted. Research shows that stable couples maintain at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative moments, but your relationship is lucky to hit 1:1. Every positive interaction is canceled out by negativity, leaving you both feeling empty and disconnected.

You don't know each other anymore. Life has changed—jobs, kids, aging, loss—but you haven't updated your knowledge of who your partner is now. You're operating on outdated information, making assumptions, or not bothering to ask. Without friendship, emotional intimacy, and fondness, your relationship feels hollow.

Are you unable to manage conflict or repair after fights?

Conflict itself isn't the problem—all couples have it. The problem is how you handle it. When disagreements arise, you might escalate immediately, flooding each other with harsh words and negative emotions until someone shuts down or storms out. Or maybe you avoid conflict entirely, sweeping issues under the rug until resentment builds to dangerous levels.

You've probably got perpetual problems—issues you've argued about for years without resolution. Money, sex, in-laws, parenting, household responsibilities—the same conflicts cycle endlessly because you're gridlocked. You can't compromise because underneath the surface issue is a deeper difference in values, dreams, or needs that you've never addressed. These perpetual problems aren't going to disappear, but you don't know how to live with them peacefully.

Even worse, when you do fight, you can't repair afterward. You don't know how to de-escalate, apologize effectively, or reconnect once things have blown up. There's no humor, no affection, no softening. You stay angry or hurt for days. Each unrepaired conflict leaves scar tissue, making the next one worse. You're building a backlog of resentment rather than resolving and moving forward.

Without tools to manage conflict constructively and repair after damage, every disagreement becomes another reason to question whether this relationship can survive.